Watch Me Loose It

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Back from an Mini Melt Down

Yesterday I had a mini freak out/melt down. I got a message from Justin that he will be suspending all workouts until further notice to deal with some scary medical issues. Now first let me say this. I am worried about him. Without going into details, this is/could possibly be very serious. I pray that everything works out and he is back up and running ASAP. Now that being said, I totally freaked out! I mean full on panic attack, and of course that Weepy chic even showed up!

I know!

Now let me explain WHY. I am 37 years old, and I have been struggling with this 'thing' my whole life. Maybe not on this level the whole time, but at some level I have. As far back as I can remember.

This is the first time in those 30 odd years that I have actually SEEN results with my own two eyes. I have watched the scale move before, gotten numerous 'Bravo's' and 5lb stars, but I have never once looked in the mirror and SEEN a change. This has been mind boggling for me. And right now, I am on the verge of being in uncharted territory. Both on a fitness level and a weight level. Last year this time I lost 40 lbs. It was awesome. I was FINALLY in Twottervill. And then of course LIFE happened and I lost focus for a short time and WHAM 20 lbs crept back on. Well I am just about to be past that 40lb mark AGAIN. I will finally be back to loosing more weight than I ever have before. I don't really mention pounds and weight as much because of this. I hate to say yeay I lost 2 lbs, when it was two pounds I had already lost and then stupidly found again. Follow Me? So I have about 5 more pounds to loose before I am past that. Then I can celebrate each pound lost. And KNOW that it really is for real this time. And I'm EXCITED!

And the thought of not having the main thing, that has pushed me this far, scared the ever loving crap outta me. I just don't know if I can do this alone. Now when I say alone, I don't really mean alone. I am VERY fortunate to have an AMAZING support group. I have two of the best friends anyone could ask for. Kathy and Anna. We have been on this journey together for about a year now. And it doesn't matter what happens, they will be there to the end.

And then there is my awesome hubby and kids. They put up with me being gone most nights at the gym, they pitch in and do more around the house so that when I come home I can rest. Not the mention my sister and mom and aunts, and dozens of facebook friends. They are ALL awesome. This is the conversation I had with my hubby yesterday, after I had gotten news about J. I was so upset. And I didn't know what I was going to do. (We work together and this was an IM between us on our work email. I blacked out the stuff that pertained to work). You can click on it to see the full size version.

Here is the above conversation transcribed because Blogger is pissing me off.
Rachel: You there
David: :-)
Rachel: Just just emailed all his clients. he is cancelling all appointments until further notice.he found out today that he has some medical issues. I'M ON THE VERGE OF FREAKING OUT. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS ALONE!!!!!!
David: you know what to do, don't say you can't YOU CAN DO IT. he has taught you what you need to know just keep it up. do not quit.
Rachel: geeze just when i thought i was about to go to uncharted territory. I'm about to make a huge mile stone.UGGG. I don't want to fail again.
David:only reason you would fail is will be you
Rachel:and not to mention that i feel like a huge BITCH because I am worried about me, when there might be something wrong with him! is that selfish?
David: it will be your fault if you fail. life throws everything at you many ways. it is what you do with it that makes you a winner or a failure. which do you want to be?!?
Rachel: i want to be a winner. for once i want to beat this
David: like i told you before. its up to you. just because you don't have someone riding your ass showing you what to do, don't mean you can't do it. if you want to win, be a winner. don't let anyone stop you. but if you stumble, i will be there to catch you and GET YOU OFF YOUR ASS and tell you to step it up.
Rachel: I love you :-)
Yeah and now you see why:

So I sent Weepy Me packing. Packed my guilt trip up and put it away, and texted Kathy and Anna this: Either of you up for a totally mixed up, not really sure what I'm doing version of what I haven't blocked out from my memory for good reason work out? Anna wasn't feeling too well, but Kathy was game. So we got together and after a mile warm up on the treadmill, moved to the torture room. I picked some of the exercises that I remembered from my past sessions with Justin and we kicked butt.

One hour, eleven minutes. 1265 calories burned. I am hoping I can keep this up. It was nice to have Kathy join me. To hear me talk it almost sounded like I knew what I was talking about. Hahaha.

The countdown to my next official 5K is on. It's Saturday morning and I think I am kinda excited. It's going to be a super fun day spending time with my sister and my friends! And the most important part of the whole day.

Moma needs a new PURSE! And a WALLET! And some SHOES! And some BLING! Oh my!


Trish said...

{{RACHEL}} I love your hubz too, he is right ya know! This is the part where you take this journey in your own hands! This is where you say (to the weight, to the doubts) you don't own me, you don't control me!

This journey is hard, tiring and exhausting! You are doing wonderful!

I think you will do fine and fail is not in your vocabulary anymore. You hear me, don't make me get in the car and kick your butt myself!

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